分手

第二天,甩掉所有前一天的後遺症 (或許吧)爆哭暴怒爆緊張。

在神經邊緣徘徊了一整天,再次的被生活牽著走,

最後像可憐的貓咪毫不猶豫的被收留,感謝。

吉他,走音的男孩子們,無形的關懷 我看著 印著美麗倒影的電風扇 感受到溫暖。

你說分手後的你只是蔥滿了空洞,我忘記分手的理由,

在路邊做了一小時後就只是為了想感受一點什麼。

我好難受,說不出為什麼,諷刺得用微笑帶過。

我哭我失去的一切太多 才發現原來背後的你們都一直照顧著我,

小心的圍繞著我,

我的心好痛 痛你們太善良 痛我能擁有

對不起,對不起在分手了以 我依然感受到了 一點 幸福。

 

 

 

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也許是真的 別人不會特地去記得所有身邊的人發生的事。不過從你嘴裡講出來特別的刺耳。

藉著酒精給我的膽子 我說出了這一生最狠心的話

在防備自己的同時卻又傷害了別人 蠢蛋。

有誰會想聽呢 有誰願意好好坐下來聽?

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是不是又被看成太在意太自我中心太誇張 不過你知道嗎 我只是想把我的心情講給你聽。

是不是我沒有流淚所以我看起來是完整的 哭的人才破碎嗎

除了我自己還有誰能來在乎我?

 

10/10

今日幸福指數 十。班上同學都變得和家人般一樣的舒服 我笑著和你說,

地點 在我們結緣的地方; 俯看著整個台北市的秘密基地。我用吸管喝著我的酒而正在減肥的你拿著氣泡水,我想像的我 臉是紅的 興奮的;

早八早起 睡了三小時的午覺 而難得收穫很多的課,準備著分手儀式的兩個蠢蛋卻又意外的見了一面 晚上去採購跟蘇菲衛生棉的合照,三片Pizza小白老鼠小黑狗和蘋果超人油餅與油弟在油餅家的四人小天堂,然後九點衝忙的練了一整晚的舞,結束後慫恿超讓我騎車又在超商碰到了一堆朋友,最後來到了著兒。 一個小女孩還能在要求什麼?

這一週的曲線一定很扭曲,不過是豐富的扭曲,

我們以最好的心態踏進了妖山 我們要尋找夢想。每一小步都離目的地靠近了一些些。

我們似乎能一起成長了,真高興。我希望能把我所有的幸福給我的愛人們。

 

還有明天要買小倉鼠!

 

 

Day 9/12

開學第二天,滿堂,謝謝。

費盡整個大一 靠著自信心上了表演組的我們,12位戰士們,走進教室,k102。

氣氛 我只能拿『認真』最簡單俐落的字形容。每個眼神 尖銳篤定

彷彿說著「我可以的。」

表演課的吸引力 我突然明白; 當你刺裸的把刮痕再次地從心裡最深最深處挖出來 站在面前展現給所有人 但你得到的卻不是嘲笑,你感受到自己是獨特的是值得去欣賞的作品,

每一位燈光下憔悴的身軀 ,都是被生活雕朔出來的傑作。

「提款機,每一個演員都是提款機 每次演戲就把身體裡的前提出了一點點」

「大學是培養自己的黃金時期,不是得到了自由就迫不及待的去過你想像中浪漫的過日子。」

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你今天下課和我說 昨日燈光下的我是不是感觸很多,你看到我蹲在當光內好像想要吸引目光一樣,到我開始求救 和最後以自己最堅強的模樣(手裡叼著一根菸 修補了自己,但同時也把所有的痛苦埋了起來。我喜歡你的解讀,

昨天在台上的我回想起了無助 哭了。 燈光太亮,我聽見破碎的呼喊 非常刺耳 沒人聽得見,

深呼吸 我瞪著看不見的人群們,啜泣,剪剪剪 剪掉了瀏海,堅定地走出燈光拿口紅,補妝。

最後蹲回了原本的姿勢,吸了一口,正視大家。

(不過去年十二月和今年暑假的我,怎麼能傻到相信有人能夠救我呢?

 

 

 

不要謀殺別人的青春

今日 又沒有太陽,台灣另然厭倦的颱風雨。一大早就看見那隻神秘的灰老鼠被抓到籠子了,縮成一團似乎已經投降了,老鼠啊  最後還是輸給了香蕉的誘惑。

我們今天在飯店前面呼吸了一陣子,一身子的雨水。怎麼每次都在呼吸? 外面的雨模糊了夜燈 再次的製造出不現實感,跟你一起的世界都變得好緩慢好不真實。我們又在辯論了,你總是說你講不贏我 不過你不知道的是最後我就像老鼠一樣 屈服在你很有理的論點下。

我們吵著對方對傳統價值的尊重,對於對與錯 你總是有一套理論,我很佩服。看著你 違反這常規 卻很堅定的講著你的想法 難道不覺得可笑嗎?年輕的我們,滿滿的思想 在這個社會的眼裡是什麼?小孩子罷了,什麼都不懂的傻孩子。不過我們真的不懂事嗎?

青春 依舊是可悲的 我們一無所有 卻又想把自己想成一個能幹的大人,

你卻反問我

青春為什麼會革命?為什麼熱血?因為我們什麼都沒有才能說 Hey let’s take a shot. 三十年後有了責任有了負擔的我們難道還能像現在這樣嗎?趁著年輕時就玩吧 出了事就把它好好處理。

青春 難道是能夠無負擔的往夢想前進嗎 跌倒了還有好多年的時間學會站起來。 Continue reading “不要謀殺別人的青春”

Four

You know that odd age, where you get stuck between a child and an grown up.

Old enough to feel the weight but too young to bear it.

This motivates me to grow up.

Four days and three nights, Hotel rooms, Checking in, grab the keys, rode the motor cycle, feeling like it was just you and me. No one told us when to eat or sleep, We were the leaders of our own Runaway trip,

yet no credit card, and a ticket was all it takes to snap us back to reality.

I muttered the word Invincible, maybe even tried to convince myself a little. Pathetic was it? Yet I saw us, two newly born birds, a bit aimless but definitely unafraid to fly.

Bathroom

How did we come to this?

Face to face, me legs up on the toilet seat and you leaning against the wall. Both of us half blind and the yellow lightbulb just a little bit too 刺裸 naked. Cigarettes. Cigarettes that I have long sworn off became my reliever. Green package, Slim, placed on the sink. You were done crying and now it was my turn, taking your poor eyesight to the advantage I let my tears roll freely letting the feeling of despair wash me over and gobble me in.

Why did the puffs made me feel so alive? I asked and you seemed to know the answer.

It was the feeling of existing.

There I was in just my underwear and an oversized Tee, red eyes and runny nose. How many times have you seen me like this already? So Unguarded. I was stripped inside out.

I looked at you and felt a sense of closeness never felt before. The air between us seemed to froze in time and it was just my heart and your heart. Beating. I imagined growing up, moving on but my mind stays in this image.

You said something cheesy; We will move on someday, set sail for our dreams but somewhere deep in our hearts when we got tired and needed some air to breathe, we will still believe in us.

I saw finality in your eyes, at the same time surrender. This decision, My decision.

Why did I feel so sad after getting what I wanted? How many mans would be insane enough to agree to my conditions?

 

eye liner

(23 24 25 26 27 numbers all went back to zero, they don’t seemed to make sense anymore. Was I to leave today or tomorrow? Did I even wanted to go?

24th Morning,

Anxious with last nights haircut and the awkwardness of being back.

How foolish of me to get that Cleopatra fringe again, what’s worst was that funny short bob haircut by mum.

The days spent counting and now I was only four hours away, the one soul I cling on to half way across the globe. Jittery. I fumbled around with that liquid eyeliner that came along when I bought the colour correction palette. Exactly thirty minute spent in the washroom fixing that stupid liner that seemed wayyy too much on my eyelids and then another hour or so on the train. I carried that colourful bird with me, with my colourful backpack that I’ve always dreamt to backpack with. The closer I get the less I wanted to reply to your messages. For months now you were just a voice, a blurred image.

1:40 I got off then went straight to the restroom, my eyelids looked terrible, I did not pull of that rocker bob head girl, oh well. Then I lift my head up and there you were, arms out looking straight at me. White shirt, black backpack, black hat, my brain automatically picked up. And then I could not remember my first impression of you clearly anymore. Sitting in the dark staircase, head turned away, the most disheveled flip flops. Not quite fit but not fat either. Dazzling face but Troubled, unwilling to make conversations. So I blurted out some unimportant things. You pulled me close and we hugged tightly, I remember you telling me that you would pull me up and swing me around but oh well. Then you told me how awfully heavy my makeup looked and I told you I’ll remove it the second I got the chance.

I couldn’t wait to hold your hand.

Dad

Of many things about this summer, what surprises me the most is the way my brain categorises memories. After learning that I’ve got a boyfriend, my dad seemed oddly affectionate towards me and my sister, always hugging and always reminding us that our family is a Tribe, never separated. One morning he came into the living room and said, shyly of course, why is it that we could easily exclaim love for somebody outside but never said that we loved him. Even now, back in Taiwan I think about this quite often, sometimes even guilty for finding happiness from somebody else not family. Was it the thought that we no longer depended on them as much anymore or was it because he thought it was foolish of us to waste love around?

Memories of my childhood comes in fragments, mom in front of the computer, dad driving the car, mom taking me clothes shopping, dad coming home every night checking on my video, us together eating dinner. Last summer at the airport entrance gate, we hugged goodbye, dad suddenly pulled me in and touched his lips to my forehead, it was no kiss but merely a brush of lips, a gentleman. Every men on earth was pure evil except daddy, according to him he was the role model and the last gentleman standing.