hurt.

You stared at me, Long and hard.

As if you’re eyes were speaking to me.

Face to face, blankets tumbled underneath.

Tears forming streaks on my cheeks.

Suddenly you started hitting, you kept you’re eyes on me,

“Why would you hurt me?”

One. Two. Three.

The room rang with the sounds of you’re slap. My eyes teared up.

Stop. Stop slapping that beautiful face. Please.

You grabbed my hands. Both. Pulling yourself close, shaking. you’re face, you’re hands.

“That’s how much I hurt, that’s what you want.”

You’re hard eyes never leaving mine. You’re strong hands gripped me, loosen me. Stare.

That’s what I want?

My lips twitched. up.

I wanted Love. I wanted to hurt.

I wanted unfair. power. broken trust.

I wanted the most hideous, insane Love.

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衝浪

你跑向大海,用腳趾細膩地品嘗地溫。

在你性格裡的動物征服了你的好奇心,你抓蟲子,做飛機,玩弄鄰居,自認為鱷魚,無意義的旋律。

你所有記憶裡充滿的快樂。 **填滿了我的空虛。

腦海裡你清楚的模樣,隨著沙漏般的時間,

被新的回憶吞沒成灰。

**汗,水,濕黏,氣溫,玻璃,我倆用生命創造出了模糊。

你模糊了,那你又是誰呢?

蚊子是陀螺。不斷地打轉,停下,打轉。

**  The Itch reminded us who we were.

The humidity wrapped us like a baby in a womb.

你不斷的填補,訴說著過去我沒能親眼看見,兇惡面具下的你。

*你嘴角又抽動了,你好溫柔。你眼睛裡的寧靜,我只察覺到憂傷。

『你其實是溫柔的。』『能不能再見你?』

我說 遺憾 濕黏 ,很美麗。

我想要和你創造美麗。

我說 我嫉妒你的記憶力,

閉上眼,我祈禱自己能融進溫度裡,讓細胞替腦袋吸收這份回憶。

『就像看新車一樣,會去問問他的價錢,但心裡很明白自己並不會買。』

『好喜歡。』『能加分嗎?』

 

「我去清理一下。」

你親親的吻我,走向遠處的光。而我是被丟在一旁,次裸的軀體。

我躺著聽你清理,你在光底下一如往常的動作,甚至唱起歌,我躺著空等,

也算是等你回來,等你告訴我接下來該做什麼。

沖水,丟垃圾,沖馬桶,

撿衣服,撿褲子,回歸正常。

在明智體制下,獸性騙不了人性。身體,終究是個工具。是吧?牆上的電視正停在兩個同性戀做愛,道理抵不住慾望,所有人都一樣,兇手。和濫用美色誘惑怪獸的兇手。

你我也沒好到哪裡。

你溫柔的撫摸我,永遠扒著任何機會提醒我你愛我,

但派對結束了,平靜了,被留在黑暗的中的我,只覺得自己被掏空。常常腦裡會浮現出「自願性強暴」但又覺得自己太幽默,「強暴」這個字眼太強硬,溫柔的你怎麼可能強暴我。你如此的愛我。偏差智障的我。

「最美的是前夕對吧?」和不知情的你聊天,也算是佩服你說出了這些。「藝術就在你決定要做了,就結束了。過程也就變成了反覆的規律。」

熱鬧過後等著被收攤,是我。

但恨不得快ㄧ點把矜持丟掉的也是我。

August 6. 2017

Train moving forward. closer and closer to my saviour. cows flashes by in colours. brown black white. Family playing cards and lady who took my seat. The air conditioning is too strong and the legrooms are too small. This time is different. one year later

I’m still as unpredictable, My mac uncharged and wearing clothes that looked like I’m going to the beach instead. But it’s edinburgh. 

Last summer, like baby bird under mom’s watch. just one step away to flying away. the awkward state between the past and the future. But the most peaceful. awaiting. 

The place I’ve dreamt about and cried over. The place I thought would take all my suffering away. I remember walking in the ruins. castles blackened with age and streets bustled with tourist. Just my mother and I with raincoat and Nike sneakers. We moved into the city slowly day by day, a conquest to discover the best shows and find the cheapest shops. Despite the cold and the white big three floored house, we wasted no daylight. Even in the rain, nothing could stop us from watching shows, not even when our shoes were soaked and the raincoat barely worked.

My white backpack would be filled with groceries by the end of the day, mother never asked if I needed her help but that was fine. 

We knew no one but we were happy. we fell asleep watching Tv and drank tea by the windows. 

This year, short pink hair, eyeliner, jeans jacket, I make my way back.I feel older.

Truth is, no place could save me. because I don’t belong anywhere. two weeks is all I’ve got. Two weeks of LiDL, two weeks of TK MAXX two weeks of mom and dad. 

Stubborn me always trusted mom and dad. I had a foolish thought that they were the key to my happiness, that they could fix me just as they did when I was still a baby. Not now, I have too many secrets and too messy memories. They would be disappointed in me. 

cantaloupe breath.

I am constantly reminding myself that I am not “by myself”

The end of the semester was a hell of a disaster, rain seemed to get my mood, it wouldn’t stop crying. But I said maybe it’s just constipated and finally gets to take a wee, that was a bad joke. It didn’t make me feel any better.

So it was yet another cycle of feeling fulfilled when i saw my calendar full of writings, but feeling just like a tool working with no humanity. I was yet again fighting this wet, dark world alone, and the pressure of un-talkative elders looming over me.

I rode the motorcycle that was left behind for me, but i refused to wear the raincoat.

I miss you. I put on all you’re clothes.

3of February was the day I finally got my holidays.

There I stood, looking silly with a big brown luggage when my home was only an hour and a half away. freezing still, I looked back on the semester.

The bustling sunshine first half, contained of all the events that seemed to last forever, Friends, Laughter, Love, Food.

Then the second half, cold eyes, night rides, and tons and tons of drinks, eyeshadow, smoke.

Then the realisation dawns me once again, I had not breeze through this alone.

puking on sidewalks, you guys were there to comfort me. Balcony talk, cup noodles.

sitting by the river, admitting once again how alike we were,

singing offtunes and really doing nothing on the dorm bed,

walking pointlessly around, riding long before the world gone to sleep.

Ktv, beer, movies,

My Youth,  Our memory.

Warmth despite the fact i was stone cold on the inside.

Thank you.

 

 

瑣碎

I had an amazing tale,

slowing fading away from my memories.

//

而這些繁雜的事情填滿了

我的大學生活。

//

不想要停下來思考,滿腦子骯髒的思考,我真覺得要下地獄了。

I cannot stop to think,my brain betrays me; a pool of unclean ocean I’m suffocating in, soon i’ll be drowned and soon I’ll be unclean.

//

悲傷再度侵蝕我,直到我肯認錯,直到我只剩下一個空洞。

10/

10/10 I decided to pick up my life.

I cleaned out my desk, the root of all my messes. I’ve made a list, made some new friends along the way. I guess everything must end.

『這, 我們故事的最後一頁,這個章節結束了以後才能到下一章。』

wrote my script, It’s about me. The holes in my heart, the ambition to own other people’s heart. I shone under other people’s eyes, you said, but what are you without their watch?

I don’t know.

The scariest thing is, I could no longer tell alone and lonely apart. I’ve grown needy. I am not needy.

I decided to watch movies, swim, run, ride, drink. with myself.

I left my headphones back home. I liked being alone.

I liked moving forward with on my own. I can, I will.

So I brought the guitar back to dorm, I liked the way it looked behind me, the way my blonde hair, my loose jeans and oversized shirt matched with it. I’m an artist, I’m about to fly.

 

Lovers or not, I need this angel by my side, singing.

blurred

“All i know is we are only here briefly, so while i’m here i want to allow myself joy.”

After I became blonde, my life seemed to spin right out of control.

It’s the first time I’ve ever came this close to venerbility. To Throwing my heart out at somebody only to get it shattered.

Three weeks exact.

『時間越短來的衝擊越大,未知太多了,會一輩子想著自己錯過了什麼。』

You were exactly the opposite, the worst. And He was an angel, everything Life was for. But I craved the feeling of living, of the unknown, I was drawn and I refused to keep away.

I drowned myself in alcohol, in self destruction, this way I felt living. Laughter and pain but worst sadness. Guilt flow through me knowing I belong not on earth but the deepest end of hell.

I enjoyed surprises, waking up not knowing when my next meal was or whom bed I would spend the night in. I enjoyed painting my face, bright sparkles under the eyes, dark lipstick. I broke away from my lifeless fairytale.

But Who cared for me? Who would leave me?

I left my cycle for you, can you tell?

I stared at the street waiting for you’re shadows to show. It’s stupid, I know.

『感情這件事本來就不講理的。』

You told me not to leave, You told me to grow up, Now three weeks later I’m back into the cycle like nothing ever happened. Like we were strangers.

I can smell that scent, I always will.

Dots

Day after the eruption,

hours and hours tucked away in bed,

last nights naughty long behind; just like the lingering scent of alcohol fading away.

time drags,  The Comfort hour.

Then rhythm of life slowly flows back to you, and every nerve on you’re body feels it.

Bombarded by the head spin. the quick pace of contact lens. brushing teeth. blowing hair. eyeliner. shadow earring. Reborn.

Life comes back to you, the checkoff list, suddenly life seemed to be right under you’re control; people wave hi to you in class and you smile in secrecy, they have no clue where you went last night.

By the end of the day, you unconsciously count down the hours that soon closes the twentyfour hours to eruption. By then, you ate dinner with friends, roamed around school, checked off you’re to-do list, It’s like the day before never happened.

“That’s why I live in the moment” he says, “Let it move through you because it won’t last.”

 

sushi

so I’ve got my first job, one that probably won’t exist longer than any of my relationships.

A tiny sushi store opened by an old couple. Clean, fresh. A row of lantern hung just above.  Boss, a man that seemed as if he stepped right out of a cartoon. beer belly, big lips, cropped hair and the simplest T-shirt and shorts.  老闆娘,the kind that you wished you’ll never bump into on your first day of work. Straight faced.

I rushed in, exactly twenty minutes late, whoops. The other girl already there.

rice balls in plastic boxes, washing dishes, remember now; no splashing no bubbles and please wipe in dry. Then the many different kinds of plates for those different shusies. I don’t even recall so many names for the same exact dish;生魚片。But the highlight of my whole day was the shrimp wrap. The boss summoned me over and started making two wraps, meanwhile telling me when to put the cucumbers and when to squeeze the Mayo. Okay, and the Mayo must be the hardest part. To get the Mayo perfectly squiggly. Then I got to make one for myself, one for a customer and one for the girl.

Feeling pretty lumpy actually, as the three stood in front moving swiftly with grace as if these movements and orders where already imprinted in their brains. They are a team, from the outside people might have thought they where families, I would’ve. I remember six rice balls each plate, brushing sauces on sushi must be even, don’t give too much veggies, last but not least which plastics for which orders. But my nervous brain could only repeat to myself over and over how slow I must appear to them as they stood at the side, three pairs of eyes staring.

I tried the most optimistic respond to any suggestions they gave me; Given my personality I hated nagging. It was okay, I hoped for the day (which I always did) that this becomes my routine and I could proudly tell my child that my very first job was at a sushi shop and my boyfriend always always rides me there. ( though I think the bosses hates boys, therefore they hate seeing my boyfriend.