August 6. 2017

Train moving forward. closer and closer to my saviour. cows flashes by in colours. brown black white. Family playing cards and lady who took my seat. The air conditioning is too strong and the legrooms are too small. This time is different. one year later

I’m still as unpredictable, My mac uncharged and wearing clothes that looked like I’m going to the beach instead. But it’s edinburgh. 

Last summer, like baby bird under mom’s watch. just one step away to flying away. the awkward state between the past and the future. But the most peaceful. awaiting. 

The place I’ve dreamt about and cried over. The place I thought would take all my suffering away. I remember walking in the ruins. castles blackened with age and streets bustled with tourist. Just my mother and I with raincoat and Nike sneakers. We moved into the city slowly day by day, a conquest to discover the best shows and find the cheapest shops. Despite the cold and the white big three floored house, we wasted no daylight. Even in the rain, nothing could stop us from watching shows, not even when our shoes were soaked and the raincoat barely worked.

My white backpack would be filled with groceries by the end of the day, mother never asked if I needed her help but that was fine. 

We knew no one but we were happy. we fell asleep watching Tv and drank tea by the windows. 

This year, short pink hair, eyeliner, jeans jacket, I make my way back.I feel older.

Truth is, no place could save me. because I don’t belong anywhere. two weeks is all I’ve got. Two weeks of LiDL, two weeks of TK MAXX two weeks of mom and dad. 

Stubborn me always trusted mom and dad. I had a foolish thought that they were the key to my happiness, that they could fix me just as they did when I was still a baby. Not now, I have too many secrets and too messy memories. They would be disappointed in me. 


cantaloupe breath.

I am constantly reminding myself that I am not “by myself”

The end of the semester was a hell of a disaster, rain seemed to get my mood, it wouldn’t stop crying. But I said maybe it’s just constipated and finally gets to take a wee, that was a bad joke. It didn’t make me feel any better.

So it was yet another cycle of feeling fulfilled when i saw my calendar full of writings, but feeling just like a tool working with no humanity. I was yet again fighting this wet, dark world alone, and the pressure of un-talkative elders looming over me.

I rode the motorcycle that was left behind for me, but i refused to wear the raincoat.

I miss you. I put on all you’re clothes.

3of February was the day I finally got my holidays.

There I stood, looking silly with a big brown luggage when my home was only an hour and a half away. freezing still, I looked back on the semester.

The bustling sunshine first half, contained of all the events that seemed to last forever, Friends, Laughter, Love, Food.

Then the second half, cold eyes, night rides, and tons and tons of drinks, eyeshadow, smoke.

Then the realisation dawns me once again, I had not breeze through this alone.

puking on sidewalks, you guys were there to comfort me. Balcony talk, cup noodles.

sitting by the river, admitting once again how alike we were,

singing offtunes and really doing nothing on the dorm bed,

walking pointlessly around, riding long before the world gone to sleep.

Ktv, beer, movies,

My Youth,  Our memory.

Warmth despite the fact i was stone cold on the inside.

Thank you.




I had an amazing tale,

slowing fading away from my memories.






I cannot stop to think,my brain betrays me; a pool of unclean ocean I’m suffocating in, soon i’ll be drowned and soon I’ll be unclean.




10/10 I decided to pick up my life.

I cleaned out my desk, the root of all my messes. I’ve made a list, made some new friends along the way. I guess everything must end.

『這, 我們故事的最後一頁,這個章節結束了以後才能到下一章。』

wrote my script, It’s about me. The holes in my heart, the ambition to own other people’s heart. I shone under other people’s eyes, you said, but what are you without their watch?

I don’t know.

The scariest thing is, I could no longer tell alone and lonely apart. I’ve grown needy. I am not needy.

I decided to watch movies, swim, run, ride, drink. with myself.

I left my headphones back home. I liked being alone.

I liked moving forward with on my own. I can, I will.

So I brought the guitar back to dorm, I liked the way it looked behind me, the way my blonde hair, my loose jeans and oversized shirt matched with it. I’m an artist, I’m about to fly.


Lovers or not, I need this angel by my side, singing.


“All i know is we are only here briefly, so while i’m here i want to allow myself joy.”

After I became blonde, my life seemed to spin right out of control.

It’s the first time I’ve ever came this close to venerbility. To Throwing my heart out at somebody only to get it shattered.

Three weeks exact.


You were exactly the opposite, the worst. And He was an angel, everything Life was for. But I craved the feeling of living, of the unknown, I was drawn and I refused to keep away.

I drowned myself in alcohol, in self destruction, this way I felt living. Laughter and pain but worst sadness. Guilt flow through me knowing I belong not on earth but the deepest end of hell.

I enjoyed surprises, waking up not knowing when my next meal was or whom bed I would spend the night in. I enjoyed painting my face, bright sparkles under the eyes, dark lipstick. I broke away from my lifeless fairytale.

But Who cared for me? Who would leave me?

I left my cycle for you, can you tell?

I stared at the street waiting for you’re shadows to show. It’s stupid, I know.


You told me not to leave, You told me to grow up, Now three weeks later I’m back into the cycle like nothing ever happened. Like we were strangers.

I can smell that scent, I always will.


Day after the eruption,

hours and hours tucked away in bed,

last nights naughty long behind; just like the lingering scent of alcohol fading away.

time drags,  The Comfort hour.

Then rhythm of life slowly flows back to you, and every nerve on you’re body feels it.

Bombarded by the head spin. the quick pace of contact lens. brushing teeth. blowing hair. eyeliner. shadow earring. Reborn.

Life comes back to you, the checkoff list, suddenly life seemed to be right under you’re control; people wave hi to you in class and you smile in secrecy, they have no clue where you went last night.

By the end of the day, you unconsciously count down the hours that soon closes the twentyfour hours to eruption. By then, you ate dinner with friends, roamed around school, checked off you’re to-do list, It’s like the day before never happened.

“That’s why I live in the moment” he says, “Let it move through you because it won’t last.”



so I’ve got my first job, one that probably won’t exist longer than any of my relationships.

A tiny sushi store opened by an old couple. Clean, fresh. A row of lantern hung just above.  Boss, a man that seemed as if he stepped right out of a cartoon. beer belly, big lips, cropped hair and the simplest T-shirt and shorts.  老闆娘,the kind that you wished you’ll never bump into on your first day of work. Straight faced.

I rushed in, exactly twenty minutes late, whoops. The other girl already there.

rice balls in plastic boxes, washing dishes, remember now; no splashing no bubbles and please wipe in dry. Then the many different kinds of plates for those different shusies. I don’t even recall so many names for the same exact dish;生魚片。But the highlight of my whole day was the shrimp wrap. The boss summoned me over and started making two wraps, meanwhile telling me when to put the cucumbers and when to squeeze the Mayo. Okay, and the Mayo must be the hardest part. To get the Mayo perfectly squiggly. Then I got to make one for myself, one for a customer and one for the girl.

Feeling pretty lumpy actually, as the three stood in front moving swiftly with grace as if these movements and orders where already imprinted in their brains. They are a team, from the outside people might have thought they where families, I would’ve. I remember six rice balls each plate, brushing sauces on sushi must be even, don’t give too much veggies, last but not least which plastics for which orders. But my nervous brain could only repeat to myself over and over how slow I must appear to them as they stood at the side, three pairs of eyes staring.

I tried the most optimistic respond to any suggestions they gave me; Given my personality I hated nagging. It was okay, I hoped for the day (which I always did) that this becomes my routine and I could proudly tell my child that my very first job was at a sushi shop and my boyfriend always always rides me there. ( though I think the bosses hates boys, therefore they hate seeing my boyfriend.


第二天,甩掉所有前一天的後遺症 (或許吧)爆哭暴怒爆緊張。



吉他,走音的男孩子們,無形的關懷 我看著 印著美麗倒影的電風扇 感受到溫暖。




我哭我失去的一切太多 才發現原來背後的你們都一直照顧著我,


我的心好痛 痛你們太善良 痛我能擁有

對不起,對不起在分手了以 我依然感受到了 一點 幸福。




也許是真的 別人不會特地去記得所有身邊的人發生的事。不過從你嘴裡講出來特別的刺耳。

藉著酒精給我的膽子 我說出了這一生最狠心的話

在防備自己的同時卻又傷害了別人 蠢蛋。

有誰會想聽呢 有誰願意好好坐下來聽?


是不是又被看成太在意太自我中心太誇張 不過你知道嗎 我只是想把我的心情講給你聽。

是不是沒有流淚 所以是完整的