Train moving forward. closer and closer to my saviour. cows flashes by in colours. brown black white. Family playing cards and lady who took my seat. The air conditioning is too strong and the legrooms are too small. This time is different. one year later
I’m still as unpredictable, My mac uncharged and wearing clothes that looked like I’m going to the beach instead. But it’s edinburgh.
Last summer, like baby bird under mom’s watch. just one step away to flying away. the awkward state between the past and the future. But the most peaceful. awaiting.
The place I’ve dreamt about and cried over. The place I thought would take all my suffering away. I remember walking in the ruins. castles blackened with age and streets bustled with tourist. Just my mother and I with raincoat and Nike sneakers. We moved into the city slowly day by day, a conquest to discover the best shows and find the cheapest shops. Despite the cold and the white big three floored house, we wasted no daylight. Even in the rain, nothing could stop us from watching shows, not even when our shoes were soaked and the raincoat barely worked.
My white backpack would be filled with groceries by the end of the day, mother never asked if I needed her help but that was fine.
We knew no one but we were happy. we fell asleep watching Tv and drank tea by the windows.
This year, short pink hair, eyeliner, jeans jacket, I make my way back.I feel older.
Truth is, no place could save me. because I don’t belong anywhere. two weeks is all I’ve got. Two weeks of LiDL, two weeks of TK MAXX two weeks of mom and dad.
Stubborn me always trusted mom and dad. I had a foolish thought that they were the key to my happiness, that they could fix me just as they did when I was still a baby. Not now, I have too many secrets and too messy memories. They would be disappointed in me.