You know that odd age, where you get stuck between a child and an grown up.
Old enough to feel the weight but too young to bear it.
This motivates me to grow up.
Four days and three nights, Hotel rooms, Checking in, grab the keys, rode the motor cycle, feeling like it was just you and me. No one told us when to eat or sleep, We were the leaders of our own Runaway trip,
yet no credit card, and a ticket was all it takes to snap us back to reality.
I muttered the word Invincible, maybe even tried to convince myself a little. Pathetic was it? Yet I saw us, two newly born birds, a bit aimless but definitely unafraid to fly.
How did we come to this?
Face to face, me legs up on the toilet seat and you leaning against the wall. Both of us half blind and the yellow lightbulb just a little bit too naked. Cigarettes. Cigarettes that I have long sworn off became my reliever. Green package, Slim, placed on the sink. You were done crying and now it was my turn, taking your poor eyesight to the advantage I let my tears roll freely letting the feeling of despair wash me over and gobble me in.
Why did the puffs made me feel so alive? I asked and you seemed to know the answer.
It was the feeling of existing.
There I was in just my underwear and an oversized Tee, red eyes and runny nose. How many times have you seen me like this already? So Unguarded. I was stripped inside out.
I looked at you and felt a sense of closeness never felt before. The air between us seemed to froze in time and it was just my heart and your heart. Beating. I imagined growing up, moving on but my mind stays in this image.
You said something cheesy; We will move on someday, set sail for our dreams but somewhere deep in our hearts when we got tired and needed some air to breathe, we will still believe in us.
I saw finality in your eyes, at the same time surrender. This decision, My decision.
Why did I feel so sad after getting what I wanted? How many mans would be insane enough to agree to my conditions?
(23 24 25 26 27 numbers all went back to zero, they don’t seemed to make sense anymore. Was I to leave today or tomorrow? Did I even wanted to go?
Anxious with last nights haircut and the awkwardness of being back.
How foolish of me to get that Cleopatra fringe again, what’s worst was that funny short bob haircut by mum.
The days spent counting and now I was only four hours away, the one soul I cling on to half way across the globe. Jittery. I fumbled around with that liquid eyeliner that came along when I bought the colour correction palette. Exactly thirty minute spent in the washroom fixing that stupid liner that seemed wayyy too much on my eyelids and then another hour or so on the train. I carried that colourful bird with me, with my colourful backpack that I’ve always dreamt to backpack with. The closer I get the less I wanted to reply to your messages. For months now you were just a voice, a blurred image.
1:40 I got off then went straight to the restroom, my eyelids looked terrible, I did not pull of that rocker bob head girl, oh well. Then I lift my head up and there you were, arms out looking straight at me. White shirt, black backpack, black hat, my brain automatically picked up. And then I could not remember my first impression of you clearly anymore. Sitting in the dark staircase, head turned away, the most disheveled flip flops. Not quite fit but not fat either. Dazzling face but Troubled, unwilling to make conversations. So I blurted out some unimportant things. You pulled me close and we hugged tightly, I remember you telling me that you would pull me up and swing me around but oh well. Then you told me how awfully heavy my makeup looked and I told you I’ll remove it the second I got the chance.
I couldn’t wait to hold your hand.
Of many things about this summer, what surprises me the most is the way my brain categorises memories. After learning that I’ve got a boyfriend, my dad seemed oddly affectionate towards me and my sister, always hugging and always reminding us that our family is a Tribe, never separated. One morning he came into the living room and said, shyly of course, why is it that we could easily exclaim love for somebody outside but never said that we loved him. Even now, back in Taiwan I think about this quite often, sometimes even guilty for finding happiness from somebody else not family. Was it the thought that we no longer depended on them as much anymore or was it because he thought it was foolish of us to waste love around?
Memories of my childhood comes in fragments, mom in front of the computer, dad driving the car, mom taking me clothes shopping, dad coming home every night checking on my video, us together eating dinner. Last summer at the airport entrance gate, we hugged goodbye, dad suddenly pulled me in and touched his lips to my forehead, it was no kiss but merely a brush of lips, a gentleman. Every men on earth was pure evil except daddy, according to him he was the role model and the last gentleman standing.
yellow again. yellow walls, yellow lights, green carpet
blue curtains, british rain.
jeans jacket, bandana, red lipstick
youth and alluring
angles, just get the angles right \
Back to back, quiet morning, you smiled.
Summer light shown through the glass boxes that made up the kitchen ceiling. I liked the kitchen in grandpa’s house. everything looked yellow. cozy.
Ten o’clock, you came home again from you’re daily routine of morning market. Breathing hard, sort of limping. I decided to stop pretending to sleep. I walked to the back of the house to you. sweating, fans on. goodmorning.
I do what I always do, looked into each bag.
Sat down, still silence, oddly you didn’t turn on the TV right away today.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw your the corner of you’re lips tilt up just a bit. you’re eyes forming an down ways banana. the mango tasted bittersweet. Suddenly childhood memories flash through my head. All the dumplings, broccoli, guava, ice tea, all the food that connected us. You’re small smile every time I walked by with you’re food in my hands. every time I chewed. You barely talked much, but you always always asked If I ate yet, If the dishes were okay, or just to say you’ve been 亂煮 that day. I liked to cry, but I was always you’re favourite.
I don’t feel that you care, until I’m with you. It’s what makes you most attractive. Your wildness, swirling up the world around you.
You don’t care.
You dance your way across the street the way you dance your way around your life. The sharpness of you’re eyes hidden behind the easy going facade. The judgmental mind that you refuse to share. Laughing, understanding, trendy. Always a step forward.
You belonged to nobody. No one can keep you.
witty comebacks, passionate responses. You are so good. So good at saying exactly what others hoped to hear. The right time the right way. But somehow I’ve never felt that your heart was really here.
Your fast pace. Chasing beauty. Changing hobbies, hairstyles, clothes. A mercurial women.
I don’t know you’re opinions, I don’t know what you like, don’t like. I don’t know what makes you sad, what you cherish. I don’t have the slightest clue who you are as a person but just how you behave. What an empty feeling.
Yet, I will still stay by you. You rescued me, taught me how to survive when the world is cruel with judgements. How to smalltalk, how to act outgoing. How to live every little detail. How to find adventures in a bookstore just around the corner, in the park next to your home. You picked me up pieces by pieces, with your special ways of living.
I will always love you for that.
I bathe in the glory of your jealousy
The worstest Luxury, but the most valuable .
Venomous words spoken out of your mouth
soothes the edges to my unbalanced heart /
singing comfort to my ears .
I am messed up, feeding off your suffering.
eating away your peace.
歌單， 宋冬野 盧廣仲 Ed Sheeran，
我努力得用趾頭抓住 like always. 可是還是從縫裡溜走了