Train moving forward. closer and closer to my saviour. cows flashes by in colours. brown black white. Family playing cards and lady who took my seat. The air conditioning is too strong and the legrooms are too small. This time is different. one year later
I’m still as unpredictable, My mac uncharged and wearing clothes that looked like I’m going to the beach instead. But it’s edinburgh.
Last summer, like baby bird under mom’s watch. just one step away to flying away. the awkward state between the past and the future. But the most peaceful. awaiting.
The place I’ve dreamt about and cried over. The place I thought would take all my suffering away. I remember walking in the ruins. castles blackened with age and streets bustled with tourist. Just my mother and I with raincoat and Nike sneakers. We moved into the city slowly day by day, a conquest to discover the best shows and find the cheapest shops. Despite the cold and the white big three floored house, we wasted no daylight. Even in the rain, nothing could stop us from watching shows, not even when our shoes were soaked and the raincoat barely worked.
My white backpack would be filled with groceries by the end of the day, mother never asked if I needed her help but that was fine.
We knew no one but we were happy. we fell asleep watching Tv and drank tea by the windows.
This year, short pink hair, eyeliner, jeans jacket, I make my way back.I feel older.
Truth is, no place could save me. because I don’t belong anywhere. two weeks is all I’ve got. Two weeks of LiDL, two weeks of TK MAXX two weeks of mom and dad.
Stubborn me always trusted mom and dad. I had a foolish thought that they were the key to my happiness, that they could fix me just as they did when I was still a baby. Not now, I have too many secrets and too messy memories. They would be disappointed in me.
10/10 I decided to pick up my life.
I cleaned out my desk, the root of all my messes. I’ve made a list, made some new friends along the way. I guess everything must end.
wrote my script, It’s about me. The holes in my heart, the ambition to own other people’s heart. I shone under other people’s eyes, you said, but what are you without their watch?
I don’t know.
The scariest thing is, I could no longer tell alone and lonely apart. I’ve grown needy. I am not needy.
I decided to watch movies, swim, run, ride, drink. with myself.
I left my headphones back home. I liked being alone.
I liked moving forward with on my own. I can, I will.
So I brought the guitar back to dorm, I liked the way it looked behind me, the way my blonde hair, my loose jeans and oversized shirt matched with it. I’m an artist, I’m about to fly.
Lovers or not, I need this angel by my side, singing.
You know that odd age, where you get stuck between a child and an grown up.
Old enough to feel the weight but too young to bear it.
This motivates me to grow up.
Four days and three nights, Hotel rooms, Checking in, grab the keys, rode the motor cycle, feeling like it was just you and me. No one told us when to eat or sleep, We were the leaders of our own Runaway trip,
yet no credit card, and a ticket was all it takes to snap us back to reality.
I muttered the word Invincible, maybe even tried to convince myself a little. Pathetic was it? Yet I saw us, two newly born birds, a bit aimless but definitely unafraid to fly.
（下學期很棒，很忙。上學期最大的mistake就是不承認自己，所以這次我打算好好做自己。我接受了成長是必須的過程，I’m not smart，梅子也說了，蘇菲上課時好時壞但是非常的積極，不過往往不是最聰明的方式去演戲。下學期我接了學長姐的case，班上的四部片也都去幫忙了。 對，場記小神童是我。 為什麼非得搞得快死了才能得到一點認同？）