10/

10/10 I decided to pick up my life.

I cleaned out my desk, the root of all my messes. I’ve made a list, made some new friends along the way. I guess everything must end.

『這, 我們故事的最後一頁,這個章節結束了以後才能到下一章。』

wrote my script, It’s about me. The holes in my heart, the ambition to own other people’s heart. I shone under other people’s eyes, you said, but what are you without their watch?

I don’t know.

The scariest thing is, I could no longer tell alone and lonely apart. I’ve grown needy. I am not needy.

I decided to watch movies, swim, run, ride, drink. with myself.

I left my headphones back home. I liked being alone.

I liked moving forward with on my own. I can, I will.

So I brought the guitar back to dorm, I liked the way it looked behind me, the way my blonde hair, my loose jeans and oversized shirt matched with it. I’m an artist, I’m about to fly.

 

Lovers or not, I need this angel by my side, singing.

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blurred

“All i know is we are only here briefly, so while i’m here i want to allow myself joy.”

After I became blonde, my life seemed to spin right out of control.

It’s the first time I’ve ever came this close to venerbility. To Throwing my heart out at somebody only to get it shattered.

Three weeks exact.

『時間越短來的衝擊越大,未知太多了,會一輩子想著自己錯過了什麼。』

You were exactly the opposite, the worst. And He was an angel, everything Life was for. But I craved the feeling of living, of the unknown, I was drawn and I refused to keep away.

I drowned myself in alcohol, in self destruction, this way I felt living. Laughter and pain but worst sadness. Guilt flow through me knowing I belong not on earth but the deepest end of hell.

I enjoyed surprises, waking up not knowing when my next meal was or whom bed I would spend the night in. I enjoyed painting my face, bright sparkles under the eyes, dark lipstick. I broke away from my lifeless fairytale.

But Who cared for me? Who would leave me?

I left my cycle for you, can you tell?

I stared at the street waiting for you’re shadows to show. It’s stupid, I know.

『感情這件事本來就不講理的。』

You told me not to leave, You told me to grow up, Now three weeks later I’m back into the cycle like nothing ever happened. Like we were strangers.

I can smell that scent, I always will.

Bathroom

How did we come to this?

Face to face, me legs up on the toilet seat and you leaning against the wall. Both of us half blind and the yellow lightbulb just a little bit too naked. Cigarettes. Cigarettes that I have long sworn off became my reliever. Green package, Slim, placed on the sink. You were done crying and now it was my turn, taking your poor eyesight to the advantage I let my tears roll freely letting the feeling of despair wash me over and gobble me in.

Why did the puffs made me feel so alive? I asked and you seemed to know the answer.

It was the feeling of existing.

There I was in just my underwear and an oversized Tee, red eyes and runny nose. How many times have you seen me like this already? So Unguarded. I was stripped inside out.

I looked at you and felt a sense of closeness never felt before. The air between us seemed to froze in time and it was just my heart and your heart. Beating. I imagined growing up, moving on but my mind stays in this image.

You said something cheesy; We will move on someday, set sail for our dreams but somewhere deep in our hearts when we got tired and needed some air to breathe, we will still believe in us.

I saw finality in your eyes, at the same time surrender. This decision, My decision.

Why did I feel so sad after getting what I wanted? How many mans would be insane enough to agree to my conditions?

 

Dad

Of many things about this summer, what surprises me the most is the way my brain categorises memories. After learning that I’ve got a boyfriend, my dad seemed oddly affectionate towards me and my sister, always hugging and always reminding us that our family is a Tribe, never separated. One morning he came into the living room and said, shyly of course, why is it that we could easily exclaim love for somebody outside but never said that we loved him. Even now, back in Taiwan I think about this quite often, sometimes even guilty for finding happiness from somebody else not family. Was it the thought that we no longer depended on them as much anymore or was it because he thought it was foolish of us to waste love around?

Memories of my childhood comes in fragments, mom in front of the computer, dad driving the car, mom taking me clothes shopping, dad coming home every night checking on my video, us together eating dinner. Last summer at the airport entrance gate, we hugged goodbye, dad suddenly pulled me in and touched his lips to my forehead, it was no kiss but merely a brush of lips, a gentleman. Every men on earth was pure evil except daddy, according to him he was the role model and the last gentleman standing.